January 14th 2023
I like the silence that happens in the morning. It happens, and is most notable, when I turn off the coffee grinder. The deep industrial bean grinding sound stops, and then silence. Now it was always there, but now it takes center stage. Now this morning it's 20 something degrees, and looking outside it's white and blue and unforgiving. I think of the sheer toughness of all the wild animals that can endure a night in this. Reminds me the simple squirrel is tougher than any of us. But I digress, back to the silence. Now some sounds will creep back in, but that initial drop in audible sound is something I love. At that moment it crosses my mind to put on some music, but then I think, quiet for now, just a few minutes, then music, something ambient maybe?
Some very small sounds emerge, wind through the frozen branches, the heat blowing from our ductless heating system, Amber moving in the bed (the sound of not being lonely), a car goes by, a small bird lands on the porch. Small, pleasant sounds, but very quiet still. Being snowed in doesn't completely suck, a snow day is good, if you got nothing to do or no place to be.
A slight dread ping hits my gut when I think of Monday, and everyone with someplace to go or something to do, sallying forth into the mess.
It comes pretty quick, getting old, the real changes, the noticeable things that are new and permanent. The first thing I noticed was my elbows. They took on a bonier, leathery look. I not sure you can turn that one around (that's what I mean by permanent.) Then I noticed my legs. I would see certain angle in reflections, while walking down the street, my legs just looked skinnier, again I come back to bony. My legs have lost a small amount of vitality that can only be seen in a young mans legs. Now I've always had skinny legs (mans curse) but they still had muscles, and were long and seemed to fit into my whole body better, now they look like they've lost a step to my upper body. I still have a job that keeps me using my legs, and I still ride my bike (weather permitting) so I've not lost lots of muscle tone, but there is something in the way they look that tells me I can work out all I want, ride my bike everyday, and they're still going to look like an older mans legs. This is also combined with a very slight bend in my posture. It's barely noticeable, but I notice it. I also notice that I tend to have dark circles, and more wrinkles under my eyes. A few weeks of long work days, a couple shows at night, some promo for event, and recording, and all the stress that I give myself around it all, will put old all over me. A couple days of rest would usually make the old go away, but the old man is staying around much longer these days. He is coming home to stay, and I just need to work on taking care of him, and accepting him as he evolves and grows in way I can't predict.
