March 8th 2015

I leave the house around 8pm.  On the short walk to my car I feel the remnants of the warm pre-spring day.  There's a chill in the air, but it smells warm, like I said, the remnants of this day.  I catch myself trying to look at my reflection in the car window.  I'm going out and I do care what I look like.  I'm mostly in black though I do have a denim jacket on, the jacket being a standard Levis classic.  It's vain I know, but I try to take care of myself, and I spend too much time not being happy with how I look.  So being mostly pleased with my reflection is a good thing (Damned the vanity).  I'm going to a Rock-n-Roll show, or a "Punk" show.  Last thing I want is to be that old guy trying to look young, so a pair of black pants, black plain t-shirt, Black hat, and Denim coat seems like a good place to be.  Honestly part of me just wants to stay home, watch some TV, have some more time with Amber, and finish the night with a bowl of ice cream.  But some folks I know are releasing a full length vinyl tonight, and I want to support that.  After all I know how much work that entails (and money).  So I get in my car with a good attitude, and back out of my drive way.  I get on the best road to take me straight into Portland Proper.  This is McGloughlin BLVD.  It's really highway 99, and will turn into MLK BLVD when I get into Portland.  There's a stretch of this road that is something to see.  It has about a 2 or 3 mile stretch that is almost like going through a tunnel of trees.  It's a wide 4 lane road with a cement divider in the middle.  Each side of the Highway is lined with big old trees.  I would tell you what they are but I don't know, but they're old and big.  So big as a matter of fact that they almost touch each other high above the middle of the road. It's'  a real sureal trip, especially in fall.  Going threw feels like your in a big tornado of leaves.  All swirling around, and spinning violently, victims of the wind, and the ending of something, and begining of another.  At night the street lights made it even more tunnel like, and ghostly.  Tonight it's just calm, and a little underwhelming, but still a tunnel of old wise trees reaching over my head to hold hands and talk to each other about their day.

     I take a left on Burnside and go over the bridge into downtown.  I find a parking spot pretty fast, and as I walk to the club it's real deserted.  I see all these hip bars open, but hardly anyone inside.  On the walk I only pass a few people on the street.  I guess it is only 8:30.  The real night life is still at home looking in the mirror.  Approaching the club I notice it sure looks dark, and empty.  If there's a show everyone's inside.  I get to the front door and it's locked and nothing is going on.  I walk to a nearby Mexican restaurant and grab a local paper.  It doesn't take me long to find out I have confused my clubs.  The show is at Star Bar, and I went to the Star Theatre.  I ask the bar tender where the place is and he looks it up on his phone.  It's on the other side of the river around 7th and Morrison.  He starts to give me direction, and I want to stop him, and let him know I've lived in Portland for 30 years.  I just tell my ego to shut the fuck up, and let him give me direction, and I thank him and head back to my car.   

     On the Southeast side I find parking pretty easy.  I grab my ear plugs, and breath mints, and try and tell my ego to wait in the car, but he's having none of it, so I relent and tell him he can come, but he must be quiet.  Walking down the street I can see the big star in the window of the "Star Bar".  I also see all the Sid Vicious, and David Bowie wanna be's standing in front, and around the side.  There smoking and hanging on each other, and the girls are in Black with lots of makeup,  Looking like Joan Jett, and Wendy O Williams, and all kinds of gothy.  A couple things trouble my heart here.  One is that I'm so judgmental of this group.  At one time or another I've wanted to look just like they look, to have a goth girl on my arm, to be drunk and part of a wild, street, rebellious, punk thing.  I tried to spike my hair up, and wore the same studded leather jacket, and those creppers for shoes, and jewelry.  I wanted to feel part of something, one with others who were like minded.  To be drunk and standing in front of a club on Saturday night with my arm around another punk, and smoking a cig, and maybe doing some Coke.  Now I walk up to this place and feel not a part of it.  Like they look at me like some old guy who doesn't know shit about it, this troubles my heart.  The reason being that it's my own illusion, and it's my self-centered soul giving me a hard time.  I take a breath and try and let the whole world be, and with practice, I can do that, so I practice. 

      I see someone I know, and we have a little conversation.  She tells me it's packed and hot, but the music is great.  I go inside and see that she's right.  I can't even see the band, and I look around, look for a way to catch the music.  The first band is almost done, and I turn around and go back outside.  I'm thinking I can just walk back in and buy the band album, and walk to my car and go home.  I return to the friend I was talking with outside.  She's much more into this than I am, but god bless her she talks me into going back inside and getting up front and watching the next band.  I have a few short conversations with scene acquaintances,  nod my head to a few others.  This of course makes mister ego happy, and I tell him to get over himself.  It's hot and the band sounds great.  It's a couple guys from The Humpers, and they can do this kind of Rock n Roll in their sleep.  They do it very well, and I have moment of having fun, but it all starts to sound the same to me.  Everyone around me is having a good old time, but I'm in conflict.  I honestly just want them to get done so the final band can play and I can buy there new album and go home.  They finish and I go back outside.  Again I catch myself mentally  trying to tear down the people around me.  You know the young and Sid Viciouses, the wild and original David Bowies.  I try and smile and know it's a state of mind that only opresses me.  Someday they'll all get to be soft in the middle, hair thining, aged.  

     My friend and I go back inside and return to the same spot.  On the far end of the little venue, right in front of the action.  The band starts, and my first thought is that they're a little rawer than the other band.  A lot of this comes from the drummer who's just not as good as the other bands drummer.  I do this dissecting all the time in music shows.  Don't get me wrong I like raw, and this band has kind of a punk Venom sound.  Venom being one of my favorite bands of all time, and I dig what I'm seeing.  It's considerably much drunker around me now, and a little more aggressive.  About three songs into the set it gets a little closer to a slam dance kind of thing.  Looking around I also notice some guys exchanging angry glances, and one punk guy standing right next to me is yelling insults at the band (yes this is something I would have done.  Trying to be the punkest guy in the room).  Then someone run into me and pushes me up against this table.  Then it comes, the thought hits me that's been coming all along.  It springs to the front of my mind like a bullet, like a trapped animal in a cage who wants out.  This is the thought "I want out of here".

     I see an opening and move to the back of the room (by the door).  I look over at the mech table, and see the singer for the last band sitting there.  For some reason I don't want to go over and buy an album while he's sitting there.  And now I feel like the room has become aggressive to me, like guys are looking at me in a challenging way.  I step outside, and stand on the corner, waiting for the Walk sign.  Then the thought comes that, fuck it, I'm stepping back inside and buy the album and go home.  The street sign changes to walk and I just stand there, looking at the club door.  The sign cycles back, and says Walk again.  And I walk.

     All the way home I say I'll just buy the album at another show, and I mean that.  Bottom line of it was I just wasn't having any fun.  Like I just don't belong there anymore.  That I don't need it, and don't have to belong, or not belong.  I get home and change into some comfortable clothes, and dish up some Ice Cream.

January 23rd 2015

  Publicity is bullshit, and hard to come by.  I'm talking about the kind that makes a difference.  And that kind rarely , if ever, comes your way.  Everybody out there is looking to get some eyes on their "Thing". All of us looking for a big dose of approval.  I look back on my music career, and can point out many times all things went my way.  I got that great review by that great blog, and I got on that compilation that everyone listens to, and approval and praise from all the right people fell into my lap.  I'm not sure any of it ever made a damn bit of good other than to beef up my ego.  In the long run I didn't sell big amounts of records or have big sell out shows.  I don't mean to lessen the hard work that a writer took to listen and write about my "Thing".  I have a great respect for them, and have always been grateful.  I'm getting to the point with this last release (Royal Violent Birds) that I didn't even want to share my reviews.  I just started to feel like this big puppy dog.  Like a little kid yelling from his crib "Look at me, give me attention, give me praise".  Now the reviewer is doing the same thing you are.  They're reviewing your record, and hoping you share the shit out of it (Facebook, twitter, etc. etc.).  And that's ok, I get it, and I share it.  But what I'm really doing is sending reviews out to poeple that either already have my album or are not into what I do.  Either way I'm showing of right?  It feels like "See I'm talented, and really good at what I do". Always trying to outshine, and feel a little superior.

  It's never that black and white of course.  The writer and the artist have a big part of their heart in the right place.  We're expressing ourselves, and raising it to the sky.  We want to show it to you, and share it.  We want to see what you're up to as well, and want to help you and support you.  Labors of love are a back biting bitch, and we all know it.  It's just the game can really suck for all of us.  I see it and feel it all the time.  I read, and experience others trying to win at the game just like I am.  Doing all the things I've tried, or thinking of trying.  Just seeing them do those game moves makes me cringe a little now.  It makes me recoil back a bit, and feel tired of it all.  I'm letting go a bit at a time I think, and it's healthy.  I started playing the game for real around 1994.  That's when I got booze out of my life.  I still wasn't in any recovery program so I needed a distraction.  So I went whole hog with the band I was in at the time "The Jimmies".  I'd been playing in bands for 10 years before that, but always left all the promo stuff to someone else.  That's when I learned how much work other band members had put in.  So I made a press kit, and wrote bios, and compliled all the record label address I could.  I wrote letters, and included all the promo stuff I could.  And we got on a little record label, and we played some high profile shows, and good things came.  But in the end it got tired, and kept draggin its worn out ass for miles.  Even though all signs said it's over.  Then we finally ended it, and it felt good.

   So running this little record label is another place for me to struggle with what to do to get my "Thing" out in the eye of the consumer.  All I wanted was to help some friends make some real cool music, and release it in a real fun way.  Just for the release show you know?  I didn't want to worry about distribution or record stores or reviews (maybe just locally, but that comes with a bunch of bitter bullshit also).  But I also want to really be a help to all that want to do a record with Gorbie International Records.  So enters the conflict.  I can't just sit and do nothing.  It's always worth a try.  So Jon Ransom is releasing a great record, and I'm getting ready to send out for reviews.  I know it means a lot to him, and I'd love to see him succeed.  But I want him to remember one thing:  "Publicity is bullshit, and hard to come by".